I'm so worried about this whole college thing. (I know, I'm sounding like a broken record.) I'm scared that I'll take the ACT/SATs and end up with mediocre scores, nothing nearly good enough to get into an Ivy League school. It's not that I necessarily want to get into an Ivy League school...but you see, they are the ones with the need-based financial aid. I will be damned if I end up with loads of student debt. The other difficult thing about schools is that I have this hang-up. I think that if I'm going to spend four years (or even two years) of my life in a place, especially when even the 'cheap' ones cost so much, I need to like it. I need to actively
want to be there. It needs to be in a somewhat urban area, since I find that I feel happier when there are places I can walk to and people around me. It has to be co-ed. All girls schools are notoriously liberal and I get along with girls better than boys, and I would like some prospects as far as boyfriends/marriage goes. That won't happen if there are no men around now will it? It has to have a good music curriculum, but it also has to have interesting classes otherwise too. I want to
learn and t
hink, not just read textbooks and listen to lectures, spitting back the facts on tests and papers. If the school is not a place where I will be happy, if it is not a place where I am going to learn, then there is no point in being there.
Some days...well, all days, but some days more than others, I just want to say forget it for a while and run off.
'And there are days when I would be away.' Just, I don't know, wander and learn outside of the classroom. But that doesn't give you a degree, doesn't get you high paying jobs or anything like that. Which is why I planned on doing that after I got a degree. But what if I can't do it this year? If it doesn't pan out, I guess the most practical thing would be to CLEP an Associate's and then...do Things, I suppose. But some days I feel like I don't even want to try, I just want to give up before I have the chance to fail, you know?
In some cases, prestigous degrees and high paying jobs are not necessary. But since I'm not sure precisely what I want from life, I think I should be on the safe side and get the degree. It's definite, in fact. It would be stupid not to do so. I mean, I know sort of what I want to achieve in life. I know the kind of person I want to be, I know some of the things that I want to do, the kind of impact I want to make on the world. Not the world at large, but the world around me. The world I live in. Maybe a better phrase is I know what kind of part I want to play. But I'm not sure how to play it. It's hard to tell. Maybe my fear is finding myself stuck in a place (not simply geographically) where, yeah I'm doing okay, but it's not really where I want to be, but I have no way to get out.
I know that I think too much. But if I don't think, then I won't know anything. I won't know who I am, I won't know what I think of the world. I won't know what I want. What I want to have, what I want to give. What I love. So I sit here and drink my too rapidly cooling tea, Earl Grey from Harrod's in London, which if I hadn't forgotten it in Maine when I left, I would have none left. So sometimes annoying things do turn out to be for the best.
I am getting better at quelling those annoying thoughts that keep me from trying to sleep. Every night just as I am about to fall asleep they start to poke me with their fiendish fingers, making unpleasant feelings in my stomach (nerves/stress often affects me very physically) and causing me to toss and turn, thinking I shall never sleep in peace. But I am getting better at dismissing them, knowing that they are irrational and it is not worth losing sleep over. So that is something. I am still very nervous about the ACT which is a week from Saturday. I think I'll be okay for the English type stuff and I'm pretty sure I will do decently with writing. I'm worried about math though, so please pray I do alright. Actually, pray I do really well? I need not just good scores, but great scores, amazing scores. Sigh.
Weird things make me happy. House, for a show that can be so depressing, often makes me happy. Perhaps it is the rambling jazz/blues music that plays at the end of some episodes. There can be such peace and real feeling in that music. Or sometimes, like tonight, Supernatural will make me a lot more cheerful than straight up comedy. But that's partially because I've seen these episodes before so some of the misery doesn't hit quite as hard. But then, I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds Winchesters comforting. Not to channel Dean too much, but ganking evil sons of bitches really does a lot for my general mood. Bob Seger makes me happy sometimes. There is something about the style, it can be old time rock and roll, but there's a lot of piano too, and I don't know. Sometimes music is, if the inside of your head (or your heart, soul, mind, or all of it because all those things are what make
you), was put into sound waves, what it would sound like. And lately, sometimes, I am that kind of sound.
Sorry that this is so long and rambling. I don't really expect anyone to read it all. I guess part of the length is because I start new paragraphs so often. But I do it properly, denoting changes of subject and such. It's just that my thoughts tend to jump from place to place, so new paragraphs are necessary. I'd use a cut, but using cuts too much annoys me. It won't kill anyone to have to move their finger once or twice more than usual in order to scroll through the post, I suppose.
-SXM, Sarah Meholick, Esq. Bane of Shadows