On the bright side, I finally have the computer with all my stuff on it back, and I HAVE WORKING INTERNET. Like, real, legitimate internet. Yay for me.

On the real side, every time things start to seem like they might stabilize a bit, another little emotional explosion rocks the boat and I feel like the tide is starting to come in again, threatening to capsize me. I know I'll probably feel better in the morning, and I know that I felt okay earlier today. But right now I want to escape so bad, taking those with me that I know will not hate me for hating this. It would be fruitless, of course. There is no escape from  this. And as I have been reminded, God doesn't give us let the world give us these struggles if He doesn't think that we can deal with it. To run away from trouble is pointless.

I intensely dislike the thought of people I care about being in pain of any sort - physical or emotional, major or minor. It makes me want to run all the way to them and comfort them. There are too many complications, too many mixed feelings, too many distances, whether measured in miles or tears.

There is no unconditional comfort for me now, save that of the Comforter Himself, and unfortunately I am not so spiritually aware that I do not crave the physical touch of being held and loved without doubts and wondering.

Perhaps what I truly want is stability. A situation where I know the score, where I don't have to worry and question the deepest, important things. But every time I come to the conclusion that yes, this is what I truly want, the essence of what I am needing, I find something else that seems more so.

-SXM, Sarah Meholick, Esq.